THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS

SEPTEMBER 17

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.

 

THE DEVIL”S BEATITUDES  <<From Andy’s Archives>>

    If the Devil were to write his own beatitudes, they would possibly go something like this:

** Blessed are those Christians who are TOO TIRED, TOO BUSY, too distracted to spend time with their fellow Christians in Church-they are my best candidates to backslide .Christians

**Blessed are those Christians who WAIT TO BE ASKED and EXPECT TO BE THANKED -I can use them to slow things down.

**Blessed are those Christians who are TOUCHY, with a bit of luck they may STOP GOING TO CHURCH and get others to quit-they are my missionaries.

**Blessed are those Christians who are VERY RELIGIOUS but GET ON EVERYONE’S nerves-they are my most effective stumbling blocks.

**Blessed are those Christians who are TROUBLEMAKERS -they are my best wrecking crew.

**Blessed are those Christians who have NO TIME TO PRAY -they are easy prey for me.

**Blessed are those Christians who are COMPLAINERS -they are my best discouragers.

**Blessed are YOU when you read this and THINK IT IS ABOUT OTHER people

and not yourself—I’ve got you.

 

 

 

The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but discovered he didn’t have any money with him.

 “I could invite you to hear me preach in return,” he said jokingly to the owner, “but I’m afraid I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.”

“Perhaps,” suggested the owner, “I could attend twice.”

 

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,  ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

 

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.  The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four.

The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears.  She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, “Why don’t you just double the recipe?”  She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call — this time quite frantic.

“I just can’t do it,” wifely weeps.  “It’s impossible.”

“Now, now, what’s the matter?”

“Well, their recipe calls for two eggs…”

“So, you use FOUR eggs.  Don’t you have them?

“Yes — then it needs 4 cups of flour.”

“Well,” hubby says rather testily, “you will have to use 8 cups of flour –what is the problem?”

“It isn’t the ingredients,” wife sobs, “it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can’t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!”



BEING A MAGNET

SEPTEMBER 16

          “No one’s ever seen or heard anything like this, Never so much as imagined anything quite like it  –  What God has arranged for those who love him.”  1 Corinthians 2:9  The Message Bible

          As a young boy, I used to lay in the back yard in the woods where I could see the sky through the leafy treetops and could see the small creek that rambled through the back edge of our property.  It was during those times that the architect arose in me and I tried with the finest splendor, to describe what heaven would be like.

          I tried to imagine a gate made out of a single pearl yet massive enough for masses of people to enter through.  It was a delight to see building high walls that shone in the brilliant sunlight. I thought about gold as plentiful and pliable as asphalt, sometimes even imagining a machine that would inlay gold like those who lay highways.  And then I would realize that the gold may not become hard serviced at all, but would be like the dusty trails that we play upon in the woods.  I could only imagine having to take a bath at night in heaven, just to wash the old dust off my feet.

          But those youthful days only assist me in trying today to imagine how wonderful God’s plan is. His home that He is preparing for us, is so far beyond description that words can never express, architects can never design, and visionaries will only touch what it will be like.

          Even here today, God’s Blessings are beyond understanding. God wants to Bless His people.  But like my childhood dreams, we must look with grateful hearts to enjoy and see all God’s goodness.

          Leadership magazine had this illustration from Henry Ward Beecher that I liked. He said, “If one should give me a dish of sand and tell me there were particles of iron in it, I might look for them with my eyes and search for them with my clumsy fingers and be unable to detect them; but let me take a magnet and sweep through it and now would it draw to itself the almost invisible particles by the mere power of attraction. The unthankful heart, like my finger in the sand, discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings, only the iron in God’s sand is gold!”

          Let your heart become a magnet for the Blessings of God.  You haven’t even begun to imagine all that God has in store for you.

          Pastor Don

 

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

 “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”

 The next time came around and she asked again.

 The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

 

My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???”

“Not a bit,” I replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!

 

Definitions

Twenty Something  — The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.

Fancy Restaurant  — One that serves cold soup on purpose.

College  — The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Hors D’oeuvres  — A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Kissing  —  A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

Emergency Numbers  — Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.



22 QUESTIONS

SEPTEMBER 15

          “And when you come before God… here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.”  Matthew 6:5-6  The Message Bible.

22 Thought-Provoking Questions

These are 22 questions the members of John Wesley’s Holy Club asked THEMSELVES EACH DAY in their private devotions over 200 years ago.

  1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?
  2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?
  3. Do I confidentially pass on to another what was told to me in confidence?
  4. Can I be trusted?
  5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?
  6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self justifying?
  7. Did the Bible live in me today?
  8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?
  9. Am I enjoying prayer?
  10. When did I last speak to someone else about my faith?
  11. Do I pray about the money I spend?
  12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?
  13. Do I disobey God in anything?
  14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?
  15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?
  16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?
  17. How do I spend my spare time?
  18. Am I proud?
  19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisees who despised the publican?
  20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard? If so, what I am doing about it?
  21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?
  22. Is Christ real to me?

Posted From [The Sermon Fodder List]

Pastor Don

 

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

 

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

 

Get Out Of The Mess Yourself

So the big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. 

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won’t even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

          One night after dinner, the hunter’s wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.  He sighs, and together they set out. But before they’ve gone far, they hear throaty growling – and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.

          The wife whispers urgently, “What are we going to do?”

          “Nothing whatever,” responds her husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.”



INTERCESSORS LIKE CHRIST

SEPTEMBER 14

          “Stay on good terms with each other, held together by love.  Be ready with a meal or a bed when it’s needed.  Why, some have extended hospitality to angels without ever knowing it!  Regard prisoners as if you were in prison with them.  Look on victims of abuse as if what happened to them had happened to you.”  Hebrews 13:1-3  The Message Bible.

          Pastor Larry Jackson, who wrote the book, Numbered with the Transgressors, shares the concept of intercessory prayer as being the time when we identify fully with those for whom we are praying. He describes several instances where he was led to pray for certain people and experienced their need as if he were going through the battle with them.

          We are reminded that we have an Intercessor in heaven, seated at the right hand of the Father, who feels our sufferings and needs, for he has already borne those things for us.  Our high priest, Jesus Christ, is touched by the feelings of our infirmities. He knows, even before we do, how it hurts and what it will take to heal it.

          This passage in Hebrews reminds us that we are called upon to pray daily for the world around us, but that also those prayers need to take legs, and walk out our salvation with faith and assurance that God will use us to touch a life today.

          Today, you may see someone at work, or maybe the neighbor across the street that God calls you to pray for.  He will place a burden of intercession on you to take their cross and share it with them.  He will give you the insight and wisdom to touch them at their point of need.

          Tuesday’s are such a challenge.  After being with God’s people and enjoying His presence, it is time to go where Jesus would go and touch the people Jesus would touch. Who will you touch today with God’s Blessings?

          Pastor Don

 

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.

After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked, “How often do I take these.”

“Let’s start off with once every six hours. But they’re not for you.” replied the doctor. “They’re for your wife.”

 

One time I passed a coworker on the way to work and noticed she had a headlight out. When I told her that “one of her headlights” was out she asked, “Front or back.”

 

A co-worker told his sister she should have the tires rotated on her car.  Without skipping a beat, she said, “But don’t they do that when I’m driving?”

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.

Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds, he remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: “Do you like potato pancakes?”

She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, “Do you have a brother?”

Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”



YOUR JOURNAL

SEPTEMBER 13

          “Creation and creatures applaud you, God; your holy people bless you.  They talk about the glories of your rule, they exclaim over your splendor, Letting the world know of your power for good, the lavish splendor of your kingdom.  Your kingdom is a kingdom eternal.”  Psalm 145:10-13  The Message Bible

          As Christ rode into Jerusalem on that first “Palm Sunday”, the people lined the roadway and proclaimed him with a Kingly welcome.  The religious leaders demanded that he quiet the crowd, but Jesus replied, that if these people would be silenced, then even the rocks would cry out in praise.

          A popular song a few year ago said something like, I’m not going to let a rock cry out for me, I’m going to praise Him myself.  Praise of who God is should ever be on our lips and in our hearts.

          It is a shame that even when Christians get together, we can talk about all the latest problems, last night ball scores, new recipes, but rarely do we share the new nature of what God is doing in our lives.  Every conversation we have should include something of the marvelous nature or work of our Lord and Saviour.

          Rev. Briggs said, “we are each writing a journal with our lives.” Each day we write a sentence in that journal. Each week we complete a paragraph.  Each week a page is completed. And Each year another chapter is finished.

          I wonder what someone down the road could read our journals and say that every day they wrote a sentence of praise to God.  They applauded God, they blessed God. They shared what it would be like to live in another world, the kingdom of God.

          What sentence will you write today?  A sentence of praise.  Or a sentence of complaints.

          Pastor Don

 

 

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6 year old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.

“Oh, he’s a very busy man,” the father replied. “He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor.. and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn’t an easy job, you know.”

The boy thought about that, then said, “Well, listening ain’t easy, either.”

 

A police officer stops a gal for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you.”

 

A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, “Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago.  Do you want me to send

 that up too?”

 “Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.”  Responded the kid.

 So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

 When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?

 Mum said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000”

 “That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you crazy???”

 “Don’t worry hon,” Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”



WE NEED SOME AUNTIE COOKE’S

SEPTEMBER 10

            “So let’s do it – full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going.  He always keeps his work. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out… spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.”  Hebrews 10:22-25

            We are called on to encourage and strengthen one another.  Sometimes it seems like we do not have anything of importance or power to motivate others toward Christ, but there is a story about one little lady who saw an opportunity to touch the life of D.L. Moody. The story goes something like this.

            “Few persons in Chicago were better known in certain religious circles than she, for she was continuously going to the missions, street meetings, conventions, camps, conferences, lectures and every kind of religious gathering within her reach. She was the living personification of aggressive evangelism, instant in season and out of season, ever exhorting sinners to flee the wrath of God and urging believers to plunge in the fountain of cleansing.”

So quotes a memorial article (Moody Monthly, September 1921) for “Auntie Cooke.” She arrived in Chicago in 1868-in her words, “a perfect stranger”-but it didn’t take her long to become involved in God’s work, helping the YMCA on Madison Street. She attended Moody’s church when he was young. Cooke described him years later as a ” ‘diamond in the rough’-most truly, with the one desire to do good burning through everything, his very earnestness moving people, but withal such a lack in his teachings of the divine unction and power.”

During a St. Charles camp meeting in 1871, she felt burdened for Moody-he needed an anointing of power from the Holy Spirit. She and her friend, Mrs. Hawxhurst, who usually sat on the front row, told Moody they were praying for him to be baptized with the Holy Ghost and fire. Moody was unsure this was a need; nevertheless, he asked the two ladies to meet with him in Farwell Hall every Friday afternoon to discuss this matter and pray. Apparently his hunger increased. Cooke reports that on the Friday before the Great Chicago Fire, “Mr. Moody’s agony was so great that he rolled on the floor and in the midst of many tears and groans cried to God to be baptized with the Holy Ghost and fire.”

Following the fire, Moody went to New York shortly thereafter to raise funds for the rebuilding of the church and YMCA building. In New York, while walking down Wall Street, the young preacher finally received the spiritual blessing they had prayed for. Moody felt such a sense of the Holy Spirit’s filling that he cried, “Hold, Lord, it is enough!”

“I went to preaching again,” Moody testified. “The sermons were not different; I did not present any new truths, and yet hundreds were converted. I would not now be placed back where I was before that blessed experience if you should give me all the world.”

Auntie Cooke continued in vigorous service and died in Chicago in 1921.

            Who will you touch today?.  They could be another Moody.

            Pastor Don

 

 

USEFUL THOUGHTS  (or Useless, what ever the Case)

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.

How can there be incompetence in the world?  They don t teach it in schools.

There are times that try mens souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

Never date philosophy majors, my last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

 

 The Bus Ride

A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus and only 1 seat in the top of the bus available when they board.  They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn.  The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it’s the red heads turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death.  She’s clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

“What’s goin’ on?” the red head asks.  “We’re havin’ a grand old time down below.”

The blonde replies, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver.”

 

All You Need Is To Take A Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, ‘Nothing’s broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a hot bath?’



THIS IS ONLY A TEST

SEPTEMBER 9

            “What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth.  Every God-direction is road tested.  Everyone who runs toward Him makes it.  Is there any god like GOD?”  Psalms 18:30-31  The Message Bible

            Since God has “road tested” all of His directions, maybe we should view life’s problems as a sort of test.  Richard Carlson, in his book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and it’s all small stuff”, shares this tremendous insight into facing life’s problems simply as a test.  Here is what he says:

“One of my favorite posters says, “Life is a test. It is only a test.  Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do.”  Whenever I think of this humorous bit of wisdom, it reminds me to not take my life so seriously.

            When you look at life and its many challenges as a test, or series of tests, you begin to see each issue you face as an opportunity to grow, a chance to roll with the punches.  Whether you’re being bombarded with problems, responsibilities, even insurmountable hurdles, when looked at as a test, you always have a chance to succeed, in the sense of rising above that which is challenging you.  If, on the other hand, you see each new issue you face as a serious battle that must be won in order to survive, you’re probably in for a very rocky journey.  The only time you’re likely to be happy is when everything is working out just right.  And we all know how often that happens.

            As an experiment, see if you can apply this idea to something you are forced to deal with.  Perhaps you have a difficult teenager or a demanding boss.  See if you can redefine the issue you face from being a “problem” to being a test.  Rather than struggling with your issue, see if there is something you can learn from it.  Ask yourself, “Why is this issue in my life?  What would it mean and what would be involved to rise above it?  Could I possibly look at this issue any differently?  Can I see it as a test of some kind?”

            This is only a test……

            Pastor Don     

 

 

 

College Funds

  A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to.

  “I’m worried.  I don’t know who my son can hang out with. He doesn’t have the kind of money all the other students have.” 

  The dean replied, “He can hang out with the faculty.”

 

Other Silly Sayings:

  1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
  2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
  3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
  4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, “Try a milk bath.” So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask “You want that pasteurized?” “Nah,” the man replied “Up to my chin should do it.”
  5. What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
  6. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world’s first anti-lox breaks.
  7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
  8. Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.


WHAT IS YOUR ANCHOR?

SEPTEMBER 8         

“Don’t assume that you know it all.  Run to God! Run from evil!  Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!”   Proverbs 3:7-8  The Message Bible.

            We live in the information age.  Actually there is probably more information than anyone really cares about floating out here in cyber land.  But knowledge increases and causes many to feel that they have all the answers.

            Last night, someone suggested that they had a child who had all the answers.  Another mother said, “your child must be about 16.” To which the first parent affirmed, “he is 16.”  I was surprised how intelligent my parents became while I attended College.  I thought that they must too have enrolled.  After all before I left home, I did know everything. But after being on my own a few years, I realized I didn’t have all the answers.

            I read this today about what we place our trust in during our lifetime.

            “Some people see education as the anchor of civilization, but it was the best educated nation on earth that gave birth to the Nazis. Some see health as an anchor for life, but much of the work in the world is being done by people who don’t feel like doing it. Some see stability in wealth–it is their anchor. They may have an experience similar to that of the ship Marine Electric, which sank off the coast of Virginia early in 1983, costing the lives of thirty-one sailors. The reason was this: the ship’s eight-ton anchor came loose and battered the hull of the ship until the ship went down. The vessel was destroyed by its own anchor. If wealth is your anchor, it may destroy you. Our hope in Christ is the only unfailing anchor for the soul.”

            So where is your anchor?  To whom do you turn for the answers to life’s problems? “Run to God!”  He will give you wisdom, health, stability.

            In other words, He will Bless You!

            Pastor Don

 

Reality Check:

A person asked God, “What surprises you most about mankind?”

And God answered:

“That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”

 

“My wife drives like lightning.”

“She drives fast?”

“No, she hits trees!”

 

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.  The women don’t leave him alone.  His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!”

   His wife says, “Stay more to the left.”

   After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, “Who’s driving

this car – you or your mother?

 

The Newest In Talking Clocks

A man showed some friends his apartment.

One guest asked “What’s that big brass basin for?”

“That’s the talking clock!” answered the man.

So the guest gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off, it’s 2 a.m., you idiot!”

 

 

Computer Virus’ Going Around:  (NOT)

Titanic virus – Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus – Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus – Quits after one byte.

Tim Allen virus – Appears helpful, only to later destroy your hard drive.

Saddam Hussein virus – Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus – Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

X-files virus – All your Icons start shape-shifting.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus – Searches for old files and deletes them.

Martha Stewart virus – Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Oprah Winfrey virus – Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

AT&T virus – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting.

MCI virus – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.



GOING HIS WAY?

SEPTEMBER 7

            “Don’t assume you know it all.  Run to God!  Run from evil!  Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!” Proverbs 3:7-8  The Message Bible.

            Life is an every learning experience.  Someone said, “the day that I do not learn something new is the day that I died.”  We can learn from the source of life, God  or we can learn by the mistakes that we make.  It is so much easier to learn from God and to do it His way. 

            Yesterday I met someone who I asked, “Is it going your way?”.  I was delightfully surprised when he said, “I hope not.” “I hope it’s going His way.”. That’s our daily prayer. 

            I received this yesterday and thought I’d share it with you.  Are we daily learning God’s way?

 

IT’S YOUR MOVE MY CHILD,

*I GAVE YOU LIFE…but I cannot live it for you.

*I CAN TEACH YOU THINGS —but I cannot make you learn.

*I CAN GIVE YOU DIRECTION … but I cannot always be there to lead you.

*I CAN ALLOW FREEDOM … but I cannot account for it.

*I CAN TAKE YOU TO CHURCH …but I cannot make you believe.

*I CAN TEACH YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG …but I cannot alway’s decide for you.

*I CAN BUY YOU BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES … but I cannot make you lovely inside.

*I CAN GIVE YOU ADVICE … but I cannot accept it for you.

*I CAN TEACH YOU TO BE A FRIEND … but I cannot make you one.

*I CAN TEACH YOU TO SHARE … but I cannot make you unselfish.

*I CAN TEACH YOU RESPECT … but I cannot force you to show honor.

*I CAN TEACH YOU KINDNESS … but I cannot force you to be gracious.

*I CAN GRIEVE ABOUT YOUR REPORT CARD …but I cannot doubt your teachers.

*I CAN ADVISE YOU ABOUT FRIENDS … but I cannot choose them for you.

*I CAN TEACH YOU ABOUT SEX … but I cannot keep you pure.

*I CAN TELL YOU THE FACTS OF LIFE … but I cannot build your reputation.

*I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT DRINK … but I can’t say NO for you.

*I CAN WARN YOU ABOUT DRUGS … but I can’t prevent you from using them.

*I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT LOFTY GOALS … but I can’t achieve them for you.

*I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE …but I cannot give you Eternal life.

            Pastor Don

 

 

An English professor wrote the words, “a woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

 

Pet Names For My Wife:

A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner.  His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off  in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all  the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife  those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. ” To tell you the truth, the reason I call her all those pet names is because I forgot her real name about ten years ago.”

 

May I Play Through?     (Playing Golf)

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”  The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.  When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around & saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, on hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 (fore) fingers.

 

You’re Late!  Please Explain!

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there.  One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir!  I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go.  Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

            “Sorry, sir!  I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

            The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.  A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,

            “Sorry, sir!  I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

            “Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”



YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS

SEPTEMBER 6

            “God plays no favorites! It makes no difference who you are or where you’re from – if you want God and are ready to do as he says, the door is open.  The Message he sent to the children of Israel – that through Jesus Christ everything is being put together again – well, he’s doing it everywhere, among everyone.”  Acts 10:24-26  The Message Bible                     This is amazing to think about!!

Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them?  They had to be fed. Feeding 2 or 3 million people requires a lot of food.

According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1,500 tons of food each day.  Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight trains each a mile (1.6 kilometers) long would be required!  Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food.  This would take 4,000 tons (3,600 metric tons) of wood and a few more freight trains each a mile (1.6 kilometers) long, just for one day.

            And just think, they were forty years in transit.

Oh, yes, they would have to have water.  If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons (41,639, 510 liters) each day, and a freight train with tank cars 1,800 miles (2,889 kilometers) long, just to bring water!

            And then another thing.  They had to get across the Red Sea at night.

            Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles (1280 kilometers) long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So, there had to be a space in the Red Sea, 3 miles (4.8 kilometers) wide so that they could walk 5,000 abreast to get over in one night.

But then another problem.  Each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles (my converter won’t do square miles, sorry) long, think of it!  This space just for nightly camping.

Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt?  I think not! You see, Moses believed in God.  God took care of these things for him.

Let us take courage.   We have the same God.  We think our problems are so big.   Remember what God can do!  What He has done!  Team up with God and your problems will be His.  Let Him run your life.  All the way the Savior leads us HOME.

            by: Dr.  Danny Kellum

 

Somebody always complains

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.

After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.

The pastor said that wouldn’t be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can’t even swim.”

 

HEART TRANSPLANT 

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. “Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”  “No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

 

A Flight Change

During the “rush hour” at a major Texas airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.  Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.

The airline then announced the new gate number, which was some distance away.

Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for the flight.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, “We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change.  This flight is going to Washington DC.  If your destination is not Washington DC, then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.”

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags.  “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”




 

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