LESSONS FROM LIFE

OCTOBER 27

**When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing.

**The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

**If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.  If you can dream it, you can become it.

**No one can make your dreams come true but you.

**He who loves a rose must respect its thorns.

**The things that count most in life, usually can’t be counted.

**Faith makes things possible–it doesn’t make them easy.

**You have to dance like nobody’s watching, and love like it’s never going to hurt.

**There is no failure except in no longer trying.

**Think you can, think you can’t–either way you’re right.

**Focus on the goal not the obstacles.

 

High Hopes    Frank Sinatra// Writer(s): Cahn/Van Heusen

Next time you’re found, with your chin on the ground      

   There a lot to be learned, so look around

Just what makes that little old ant    

   Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant    

Anyone knows an ant, can’t

    Move a rubber tree plant

But he’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes

     He’s got high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your gettin’ low

     ‘stead of lettin’ go   

Just remember that ant

     Oops there goes another rubber tree plant

When troubles call, and your back’s to the wall

     There a lot to be learned, that wall could fall

Once there was a silly old ram

     Thought he’d punch a hole in a dam

No one could make that ram, scram     

     He kept buttin’ that dam

Cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes

     He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your feelin’ bad

     ‘stead of feelin’ sad    

Just remember that ram

     Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam

All problems just a toy balloon

     They’ll be bursted soon    

They’re just bound to go pop

    Oops there goes another problem kerplop

Proverbs 6:6  Go to the ant, you sluggard! Consider her ways and be wise,

 

 

 

Satisfaction Guaranteed:

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”

“No,” she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. “It must be blue.”

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her…so I switched the heads.”

 

 

MURPHY’S CHURCH LAWS

*Film projectors always work before the class meeting begins.

*The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on “Bring A Friend” Sunday than any other week.

*The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his/her worst.

*No matter how many bulletins you print, you’ll always need one more.

*A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late.

*The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting.

*Business meetings always last at least 15 minutes longer than they should.

*When you answer the Bible teacher’s question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets.

*The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is more than 20 degrees below zero.  The air conditioner only fails when the outside temperature is 90 degrees or above.

*When the preacher misspeaks in a sermon, at least half of those taking notes will write the remark down as an important thought from the sermon.



MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC

OCTOBER 26

“But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”         — Paul (Romans 5:3-4, NIV)

“A piece of black ebony wood was being cut and broken by a wood maker. The wood complained but the wood maker desisted from bowing to the complaints. He was carving a flute. The wood maker seemed to be saying, ‘Little piece of wood. You think that I am hurting and abusing you but without these holes and cutting, you would not be able to bring others beautiful music to soothe their souls and calm their hurts and fears for a time.'”

Pain is the great motivator. It can be and often is God’s wake-up call to help us change and grow. So who wants to change and grow when everything is going great? Not me. I only grow when I am uncomfortable with the way things are or the way I am. And that’s the way it’s meant to be. God wants to make “beautiful music” out of your life and mine. It’s up to us to allow him to do so. The process at times can be painful, but the end result can be something beautiful.

“Suggested prayer: “Dear God, here’s my life — please make me into the person you want me to be so my life will be an instrument of peace and harmony in your hands to touch the lives of all I come in contact with. Gratefully in Jesus’ name.”

 

The Bible in 50 Words or Less:

 God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.

            Pastor Don

 

 

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.  “It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed.  “But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?”

“Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…”

His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!”  He fell silent and she continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous.  Fred simply will not ask for directions.”



THINGS THAT SEEM FUNNY

OCTOBER 25

**Funny how a $20 bill looks so big when you take it  to church, but so small when you take it to the market.

**Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.

**Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie.

**Funny how we can’t think of anything to say when we pray, but don’t have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.

**Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into sudden death, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.

**Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.

**Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at church services.

**Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last moment.

**Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.

**Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. 

**Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided  they do not have to believe, or to think, or to say, or do anything.

**Funny how you can send a thousand ‘jokes’ through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

 

Ticket For Three Please??     Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

 

A New Kind Offering Plates                The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe.  He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.

     Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles.  The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner’s car.

 



UNTHANKED PEOPLE

OCTOBER 21

          “Don’t just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ’s servants doing what God wants you to do.  And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you’re really serving God.”  Ephesians 6:6-7  The Message Bible

When William Stidger taught at Boston University, he once reflected upon the great number of unthanked people in his life. Those who had helped nurture him, inspire him or cared enough about him to leave a lasting impression.

One was a schoolteacher he’d not heard of in many years. But he remembered that she had gone out of her way to put a love of verse in him, and Will had loved poetry all his life. He wrote a letter of thanks to her.

The reply he received, written in the feeble scrawl of the aged, began, “My dear Willie.” He was delighted. Now over 50, bald and a professor, he didn’t think there was a person left in the world who would call him “Willie.” Here is a copy of that letter: “My dear Willie,

I cannot tell you how much your note meant to me. I am in my eighties, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely and, like the last leaf of autumn, lingering behind. You will be interested to know that I taught school for 50 years and yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a blue-cold morning and it cheered me as nothing has in many years.”

Not prone to cry easily, Will wept over that note.

She was one of the GREAT UNTHANKED PEOPLE from Will’s past. You know them. We all do. The teacher who made a difference. That coach we’ll never forget. The music instructor or Sunday school worker who helped us to believe in ourselves. That scout leader who cared.

We all remember people who shaped our lives in various ways. People whose influence changed us. Will Stidger found a way to show his appreciation — he wrote them letters.

Who are some of the unthanked people from your past? It may not be too late to say, “Thanks.”

          Pastor Don

 

 

* The History of Medicine *

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. – That antibiotic doesn’t work anymore. Here, eat this root.

 

 

A father and son went fishing one day.  After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breath underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

          “Of course not son.  If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”



CAN YOU PASS THIS LIFE TEST?

OCTOBER 20

I N S T R U C T I O N S   F O R   L I F E  

  1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
  2. Memorize your favorite poem.
  3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.
  4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.
  5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.
  6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
  7. Believe in love at first sight.
  8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
  9. Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely.
  10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
  11. Don’t judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.
  12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
  13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
  14. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  15. Call your mother.
  16. Say, “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
  17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  18. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
  19. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  20. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
  22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.
  23. Spend some time alone.
  24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
  25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.
  27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  28. Trust in God but lock your car.
  29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
  30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
  31. Don’t just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
  32. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
  33. Be gentle with the earth.
  34. Pray or meditate. There’s immeasurable power in it.
  35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
  36. Mind your own business.
  37. Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t close his/her eyes when you kiss.
  38. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
  39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth’s greatest satisfaction.
  40. Remember that not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck.
  41. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  42. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
  43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
  44. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.
  45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

 

 

 

 

The Three Bears:  A New Version

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty!  “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl.  It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this?  I haven’t made the porridge yet!!”

 

How Do You Spell Relief??    A man, fond of practical jokes, late one night sent his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.” A week later the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. On opening it, he found a big block of concrete on which was pasted this message: This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”



YOU ARE NOT STUCK



HOLD ON

OCTOBER 22

          “I love you, God – You make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight.  My God – the high crag where I run for dear life.”  Psalm 18:1-2  The Message Bible

          Hold On Tightly to What Is Truly Important in Life

*Hold on to faith; it is the source of believing that all things are possible. It is fiber and strength of a confident soul.

*Hold on to hope; it banishes doubt and enables attitudes to be positive and cheerful.

*Hold on to trust; it is at the core of fruitful relationships that are secure and content.

*Hold on to love; it is life’s greatest gift of all, for it shares, cares, and gives meaning to life.

*Hold on to family and friends; they are the most important people in your life, and they make the world a better place. They are your roots and the beginnings that you grew from; they are the vine that has grown through time to nourish you, help you on your way, and always remain close by.

*Hold on to all that you are and all that you have learned, for these things are what make you unique. Don’t ignore what you feel and what you believe is right and important; your heart has a way of speaking louder than your mind.

*Hold on to your dreams; achieve them diligently and honestly. Never take the easy way or surrender to deceit. Remember others on your way and take time to care for their needs. Enjoy the beauty around you.  Have the courage to see things differently and clearly. Make the world a better place one day at a time, and don’t let go of the important things that give meaning to your life.

 

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed.  Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards.

**Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

**C’mon over and bring the kids. -God

**What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” didn’t you understand? -God

**We need to talk. -God

**Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer. -God

**Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.   -God

**That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing… I meant it.  -God

**I love you and you and you and you and… -God

**Will the road you’re on get you to my place?  -God

**Follow me. -God

**Big bang theory, you’ve got to be kidding. -God

**My way is the highway. -God

**Need directions? -God

**You think it’s hot here? -God

**Have you read my #1 best seller?  There will be a test. -God

**Do you have any idea where you’re going? -God

**Don’t make me come down there. -God

* * * * *

International One-upmanship…..Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: “You like soupee?” The Oriental fellow nodded his head. “You like steakee?” The man nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations’ definition of encouragement to self-reliance” by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English. He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, turned to his dinner partner and said, “You like speechee?”



NOTICE THE MOMENTS

OCTOBER 15

I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago, whose husband unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack.

About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students.  As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.

With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, “Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important.  Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves.  None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end.  It can be taken away at any moment.  Perhaps this is God’s way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day.”

Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, “So I would like you all to make me a promise.  From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice.

It doesn’t have to be something you see–it could be a scent– perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone’s house, or it could be the sound of the breeze lightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground.  Please, look for these things, and cherish them.

For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the “stuff” of life.  The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy.

The things we often take for granted.  We must make it important to notice them, for at any time…  it can all be taken away.”

The class was completely quiet.  We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently.  That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester.  Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook.

            Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today.  Go barefoot.  Or walk on the beach at sunset.  Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double-dip ice cream cone.

For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn’t do.    

From Annette

            What will you find today?

            Pastor Don

 

 

 A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.  She says, “Thank Heavens I’ve made it in time!  Have you any chicken?”  The butcher opens

 his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale.  It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.

“Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and  plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.

“Marvelous!” says the woman.  “I’ll have both of them please.”

 

 

Think About This!

  1. What’s the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
  2. Having to say, “Great shot, Honey!” 142 times

 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.–Unknown

 

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

 

“The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like a ham -and- eggs breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.”

 

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.  — Douglas Adams

 

I  think you should live each day as if it were your last. That’s why I don’t have any clean clothes because, really, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?

 

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow hips change places.

 



PASS IT ON

OCTOBER 14

“The Importance Of ……

Jacob refused to die until he could lay his hands on his sons and grandsons and tell them who they were and what they were destined to do.  We must follow his example today.  It doesn’t matter if our sons are five or fifty years old.  We need to put our arms around them and tell them that they are loved by us.  We need to tell them who they are in God.  We need to quote Scripture over them and tell them—

* You are a lion’s whelp and your hand shall be in the enemy’s neck”(Genesis 49:8,9)

* You are more than a conqueror.  You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. (Romans 8:37, Philippians 4:13).

* You are a song of the Most High God.  You have been purchased by the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the cross.  You are a joint heir with Christ–a prince of the King of kings.  There’s greatness in your bones and in your bloodline.” (Galatians 4:6,7).

One Sunday in our church I called all of the young boys who had no father to come forward so that I Might lay hands on them and prophesy over them and tell them who they are in the Lord.  I looked up and found that a thirty-year-old man had come forward and fallen at my feet.  He had come to ask me to lay my hands on him and tell him who he was.  He was hurting because no one had ever blessed him in such a manner.  Call your sons and your grandsons to you today.  Lay your hands upon them and tell them that you love them and that God loves them and has a purpose for their lives.  Give them an identity.  If you are a grown man, find someone who can truly be a spiritual father to you.  Ask him to bless you and tell you who you are in Christ Jesus.

GIVE A BLESSING TO YOUR CHILDREN TODAY.       TALK TO THEM ABOUT THEIR IDENTITY IN CHRIST JESUS.  ENCOURAGE THEM WITH LOVE AND FAITH.                          From Bob McGee

Bless Your Children Today

Pastor Don

 

Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers

  1. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been! (Judges 14:5-8)
  2. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
  3. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
  4. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol’ furnace!
  5. Cain! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!
  6. Noah! No, you can’t keep them! I told you, don’t bring home any more strays!
  7. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
  8. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
  9. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

*************and the number 1 of the Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers

  1. Jesus! Close the door! Do you think, you were born in a barn?

 

Student Semester Burn Out

You know you have serious symptoms of semester burnout when…

  1. Your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the cookie monster song (C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me…)
  2. You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on the final to pass than you have actually spent studying.
  3. You are swamped with homework and spend your time making up a list like this.
  4. You start showering after class rather than before.
  5. The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.
  6. The campus clown tells you should study more.
  7. Your favorite paperweight says Coke and Pepsi on them.
  8. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through Monday.
  9. Your absence exceeds your attendance.
  10. Your study schedule is based on the rationale that you “might” actually die before the test.

* * * * *



THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM LIFE

OCTOBER 11

I’ve learned….       that men would rather be lost for hours than stop and ask for

directions.

I’ve learned….       that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’ve learned….       that life is tough, but I’m tougher.

I’ve learned….       that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I’ve learned….       that there is nothing better than my dog waiting for me on the front porch, wagging his tail when I get home.

I’ve learned….       that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I’ve learned….       that I wish I could have told my mom and wife that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I’ve learned….       that it is just as wrong to be rude to a child as to an adult. In fact, it may be more unforgivable.

I’ve learned….       that you should never jump off a diving board when wearing a bikini.

I’ve learned….       that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I’ve learned….       that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I’ve learned….       that I can’t choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I’ve learned….       that a peacock today may be a feather duster tomorrow.

I’ve learned….      that nobody wants to know what you’re doing until you’re doing something that you don’t want anyone to know.

I’ve learned….       that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

I’ve learned….       that those who reach their goals too easily have aimed too low.

I’ve learned….       that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

I’ve learned….      that when packing for a vacation, you should take half as many clothes as you think you will need and twice as much money. Your clothes and money should run out about the same time!

I’ve learned….       that stain resistant carpet will stain.

I’ve learned….       that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I’ve learned….       that a good friend is the one who tells you how you really look in your jeans.

I’ve learned….      that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

 —Author unknown

 

Finishing School For Girls

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a “Charm Course” was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

“Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you.” she said.

Then, returning to reality, she added, “But… if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak — don’t wait any longer.”

 

What A Compliment

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

Marlene replies, “Why thank you, dear!”




 

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