A HABIT OF LYING
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back to Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
HUNGRY FOR GOD
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
A DISCERNING HEART
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
DON’T QUIT KEEP PLAYING
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, “Do it again, Dad!”
HAVE YOU PREPARED YOUR WILL YET
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby. “The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking. “The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you!” …
IN THE PRESENCE OF MINE ENEMIES
JANUARY 16
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury. “I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.” “Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?” “Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those crazy nuts down at the Internal Revenue Service.” …
IT RUBS OFF
Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says, “Before that, God formed the earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountains and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavors.” No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, “Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?”
GETTING OVER THE PAST
- Resentment. Are you busy trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” or are you trying to bring them down to your level? If so, then listen: “In honour preferring one another” (Romans 12:10).
- Regret. Paul said, “Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before” (Philippians 3:13). You’ll never reach ahead until you forget what’s behind. We all have things we wish we’d done differently. Learn from them, forgive yourself, and move on.
- Self-pity. After his greatest victory, Elijah wallowed in it. Listen: “I’ve had enough … take away my life … the people ofIsrael have . . . killed your prophets, and only I am left; and now they are trying to kill me too” (1 Kings 19:4-10). That’s self-pity in the raw, and if you let it in, it’ll take over your life.
- An unteachable spirit! Listen: “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6 NIV). The only thing that’s worse than ignorance is the prejudice that defends it, and the pride that refuses to acknowledge it or rise above it. God has surrounded you with opportunities to learn. Take advantage of them.
- REMEMBER, WHAT YOU LEARN TODAY WILL DETERMINE WHAT YOU BECOME TOMORROW.
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?”The trainer replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!” .
GO FOR THE GOLD
“Vaat . . . . . You coming empty handed?”
YOUR ATTITUDE DETERMINES EVERYTHING
Listen: “Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it” (Numbers 13:30). What an attitude! If only they’d listened. But no; their negative attitude landed them in the wilderness-for forty years! Doubt and unbelief will always lead you into the wilderness. Grumbling and complaining will fill your life with barrenness. John Mason says, “It’s your attitude that determines your altitude. You’ll never rise any higher than it.” Caleb had a different attitude and look at the results he got: “Hebron therefore became the inheritance of Caleb … because that he wholly followed the Lord God of Israel” (Joshua 14:13). HOW’s YOUR ATTITUDE AND YOUR OUTLOOK TODAY?
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”