THE ORPHAN HEART
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said. . .”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
THE REASON I NEVER WASH
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying in court. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: Lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” Witness: “Yes, sir.” Lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” Witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches.” Lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
IT’S A DAILY WALK
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is numbered.” The second one said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is in alphabetical order.” The third one said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up, and everything inside is color coded.”
THE CALL OF GOD
TODAY, START LISTENING TO THE WORD OF GOD; RECEIVE IT BY FAITH; STEP OUT AND OBEY IT. FOR HIS
WHEN JESUS COMES
JANUARY 28
From the Best of the Word for Today A old snake goes to see his doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can’t see well these days.” The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.Doc says, “What’s the problem — didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past two years!” …
WAITING FOR JESUS
INTRODUCE HIM TODAY TO SOMEBODY YOU LOVE. THEY’LL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
She wasn’t selected for the jury.
DECISIONS
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery “Good morning.”
Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues. But that was okay. One wore the top half and one wore the bottom half … they went as an upper and lower GI. …
ARE YOU ANXIOUS TODAY?
A HABIT OF LYING
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. When she walked back to Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
HUNGRY FOR GOD
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.