WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5
Thank You, Lord, for choosing me with all of my flaws and failings and for loving me despite-
Dear Santa, Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room. Thank you,
Dear Santa, Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Dear Santa, I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself. Merry Christmas,
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4
Christmas Karaoke
MONDAY, DECEMBER 3
Father God, You gave us Your Son, sending Him into the world to be an atonement for sins, Your mission statement to the world.
- You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
- You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
- You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper,or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
- You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
- You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
- You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
- At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
- You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
- After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last
- Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Knock Knock. Who There? Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving for what? Thanks giving us this turkey.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26
Monday, November 26
-Bill Giovannetti
DAILY GUIDEPOSTS
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20